I have a certain aveirah that I did numerous times when I was younger, and I don’t know how to do teshuvah for it. I have this bad feeling in the back of my mind, like I have an unresolved issue with Hashem, and this is holding back my spiritual growth. What should I do?
The feeling that such a person feels, that he is far from Hashem, and cannot keep on growing, is actually a direct outcome of the klippos that have been created by this aveirah!
These thoughts are definitely not the truth. They are the klippos talking. The truth is that a Yid is good, holy and beloved by Hashem no matter what he does! When one falls into the yetzer hara’s trap, he is like a soldier that was captured, but he is still a soldier! When he gets freed, he can come out much stronger than before. He can learn from the enemy’s tricks and be an even better soldier! Remember, the lower one falls, the higher he can grow when he gets out!!
Hashem isn’t upset with you. It’s like a child who misbehaved and had to be sent away from home. The father is waiting, longing to hear his child say, “I want to come back. I want to do better.” And the moment he does, the father runs to embrace him.
All you have to do is decide in your heart that you really want to be close to Hashem: that is what teshuvah is all about! This is the way you get rid of these klippos, and then grow even more than before!
The next step is to tell Hashem, “I know I did this thing that wasn’t OK. I really want to be close to You from now on.” It is so simple! This can be done, for example, during “Shema Koleinu” in Shmoneh Esrei, or at any time during personal hisbodedus.
One should also try making a small kaballah, just to show that you are really ready to come close to Hashem.
The main thing is, a will and a decision to be close to Hashem!!
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 40.
