A friend of mine gave me a great mashal recently. Think about any job.
You do the work, and then, eventually, you cash in. A paycheck, a bonus, whatever it is. The work and the reward are two separate things, and often, you can keep your eyes on the prize and use the approaching payday to keep you working hard.
He said the same thing applies to our kids. We have the work day, and, eventually, the pay day. But one problem we might have is that we think the pay day is far off. Maybe it’s nachas down the line or s’char in olam haba. Maybe when we marry them off iy”H, or maybe when we yet again taste the sweetness of sleeping through the night.
And that might work. If you can keep your mind on one of those landmarks, that might help you push ahead. You can use it to get through the morning, get through the homework, get through the meltdown, and tell yourself the payoff is coming later.
My friend pointed out a problem with this though. Our kids are not (only) a long term investment. If we limit ourselves to seeing it that way, then we’re skipping an important part of the experience — the part where we get to enjoy them right now.
When you enjoy your kids, at that moment, you’ve gotten to the pay day. And it can happen every day, even many times a day. And then, when your kids know you’re enjoying them, they tend to give you more of the stuff that’s enjoyable.
A kid who feels like he’s a project you’re managing acts like a project. A kid who feels like he’s bringing you joy tends to bring more of it.
The enjoyment, then, isn’t only the reward. It’s also fuel. You cash in, and the cashing in itself creates more to cash in on next time.
How do we do this practically? Simple — when your six year old says something truly funny, enjoy it. And then, make sure they know you enjoyed it. Same thing with your teenager bringing home a good grade or making a siyum. Take a minute (that’s all it takes) to feel the enjoyment, and share what you’re feeling.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 103.
