I don’t know much about the Nurtured Heart Approach, or NHA, but here’s the basic idea: it’s a parenting model built on the idea that kids do more of whatever gets noticed. So if you put your energy into the good stuff, you get more good stuff.
Part of the method is truly mind-blowing on its own, and worth sharing. It’s called a “recognition.” And it’s not the same as a compliment.
A compliment is “Good job!” A recognition is more like this: “I see that right now, you are not putting your brother’s shoes in the blender. That shows me you care about my wallet. I am genuinely moved.”
Just bear with me for a second.
The structure is: you name exactly what you see the child doing, specifically in the format of “seeing,” so they can’t wiggle out of it. Then you spell out what that behavior shows you about their values. You “see” it. It “shows” you something. I’ve seen this in real time and kids really light up from it.
But here’s the kicker. According to this approach, you can do this basically all the time. Because nearly all the time, your child is keeping some rule, even passively. Sometimes just by existing without currently destroying anything. The trick is to catch them in the act of keeping the rules.
Even right after your son just pushed his little sister down. You wait two minutes. You let things settle. And then you say, calmly, “I see that right now, you’re sitting still, and you are keeping the rule of not hitting your baby sister. Amazing!”
And it works. He sees himself as someone who is keeping the rules, and he’s getting great attention for it.
It sounds (and feels) a little funny at first. But think about what it’s doing. Instead of waiting to catch your child breaking a rule (which is what parenting feels like a lot of times), you’re actively hunting for the moments when he’s getting it right.
And it turns out those moments are everywhere, if we’re mindful and creative enough to find them.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 91.
