I started dieting before I was even bas mitzvah age. Never mind that I was skinny — everyone around me was talking about the size of their body and praising mine. Plus, all my friends were on diets.
The fad then was “fat-free is best.” We would eat an entire Entenmann’s fat-free cake — all chemicals probably — and feel terribly sick afterward, but also so satisfied that we were successfully watching our weight. I laugh when I think back to those stories.
My mind began creating neural pathways: “Aviva, stay skinny — it’s one of the only things people really compliment you on.” “Diet so you do not gain weight!” My body became my identity.
When I look back at pictures from younger me, I remember thinking, “I just need to lose five pounds…” Smile! Snap, the picture was taken, and the smile would fade back to worry. It was constant background noise in my head.
Then Hashem sent a woman in her eighties to my house for a meal one shabbos. I complimented her on her dress and how pretty she looked. She replied, “I’ll be happy when I lose ten pounds…”
What a chessed that moment was. I realized how sad it was to be waiting to lose weight to be fully happy, and how if I didn’t do something about it, I could be the same way in my eighties. I knew that this was it, it had to stop.
I learnt at that moment that the arena of thoughts and mindset is the exact area in which we have free choice. We can choose our thoughts and control how we view ourselves.
I embarked on a journey to change my thought process. Da Es Atzmecha, Getting to Know Yourself, was one of the first sefarim I read. It teaches that we are fundamentally a soul, and discusses how to begin identifying as one. The first step is to change our thoughts from “I am a body with a soul” to “I am a soul in a body.” It all begins with thought.
Rav Chaim of Volozhin, in his sefer Nefesh HaChaim, discusses the five parts of our soul (nefesh, ruach, neshamah, chaya, yechidah), and how they correspond to five olamos. Olam is translated as “world,” but it also contains the word “hidden”. This is because it is the place where Hashem is hidden, and we have the opportunity to reveal Him.
The world that corresponds to the part of our soul called neshamah, which is housed in the brain and expressed through our thoughts, is the world of Beriya, the world of creation. This correlation shows us that our thoughts have the power to create our actions, influence our experiences, and form our reality. When we notice our thoughts, especially the ones that have been with us for years and are the engine behind our feelings and actions, we then begin to step into being able to choose what kind of reality we want for ourselves.
The Rambam states that thoughts are energetic impulses, constantly activated in our brains to a
point we often are not even aware of them. This is why meditating is so powerful; the meditator takes control of the direction of their thoughts, thus generating another way to view their world.
Once I had awareness, I began by choosing to think, “I am a beautiful soul”. At first, there were so many thoughts competing with the true one that I felt like I was in a thought-tennis match. I asked Hashem to help me and – Thank You Hashem – He did and still does to this day. It took years of work to undo the past conditioning of my mind, and it remains a constant challenge, because that is where real bechira lies. However, replacing my inner negative voice has given me access to experience myself in a more sincere, emesdik way. I stopped berating my body for its weight and started focusing my thoughts on its gifts — I have legs and arms and organs that work, b”H! — and thanking Hashem for the fact that I have a body to carry me through this world, so that I can actively choose to serve Him with joy and really feel the happiness that comes with being alive. Being in tune with spiritual truths, and working to change my thinking patterns is what liberated me from the version of myself that berated, criticized, and doubted me, none of which actually helped with my health and weight.
While the rest of my journey extends beyond the scope of this article, including becoming certified in emotional eating coaching and learning to connect with the four other parts of my soul, I feel so lucky to repeatedly choose a relationship with Hashem and my true self, my soul. I am privileged to co-create with Hashem by choosing thoughts that give me and Hashem joy and align with the Torah.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Nashim Tzidkaniyos 2.
