Its Okay Not to be Okay

I used to have a unique last name. The kind that people recognized, smiled at, and immediately referenced up at least one of my awesome family members. Now, I’m called ‘Cohen’, generic and unmemorable, with very little Jewish Geography potential. “Which Cohen are you related to?” I’m usually lost. “Uhhhh… the Kohanim ones?”. I’d take this last name 1,000 times over though, because now I’m an Eishes Kohen.  One of my most meaningful parts of my newfound connection to the Kehuna is going to shul on Yom Tov morning to catch Birchas Kohanim. It gets me emotional every time, and makes me yearn for when my husband and son will finally be able to do the Avodah in the Beis Hamikdash they were born to do. 

I never realized how much the wording of Birchas Kohanim was connected to my own personal journey with shidduchim.

For most of my time in the chapter of shidduchim, I was determined to ‘not be desperate’. I chose to make myself happy, busy, productive, and full of life. I really trusted that Hashem would send my basheret when it was the right time. I didn’t want to do any far-flung segulos or let myself plead with Hashem in any way. I had emunah that Hashem was orchestrating every single detail of dating life, and that He alone would send my husband at the right time. I did a normal level of hishtadlus, but even during the challenging, disappointing moments in the process, I kept my chin up high and didn’t let myself get bogged down by much. 

I thought I was acing the nisayon-filled chapter of shidduchim. On many counts, I was. But Hashem wanted something more from me. 

I love to cook, and something struck me one day while I was randomly thinking about cooking up cute shana rishona dinners for my future unknown husband (am I the only one?). I was imagining a scenario where I make something delicious and sophisticated for my new husband, and after he eats it, he gives me a generic thank you. I imagined asking him, “Did you like it? Should I make it again?” and him answering with a bland smile, “Whatever you make for me is good. I’ll be happy with whatever you make.” I would feel a little deflated. “Tell me what you like, what are your favorite foods? I want to prepare you dinners that you will really enjoy.” In my imaginary faceless scenario, he consistently says ‘thank you’ for whatever I make him, and maintains that he’s happy with whatever I give him. 

I knew that on some level, this imaginary guy can be considered a nice husband trying to make things easy on his wife. But I also realized that on a deeper level – him being blasé and content with whatever he receives is denying the ability for his wife to give to him in a personal, customized, loving way. Passively receiving whatever comes is denying the giver the opportunity to give of themselves in a meaningful way, thereby stunting a deeper connection.  

This random cute dinner-daydream-gone-wrong clued me in on what was going on with my relationship with Hashem. By maintaining that ‘I’m happy with whatever you give me, whenever you give it to me’, I was showing up very passively in the relationship. I was denying myself the authentic connection to Hashem where I pour out from a deeper place what I really want. How much I really feel ready to be married. How much I really want to invest all of myself into building a Bayis Ne’eman B’Yisrael. How much I feel I was created for this next stage, and how hard it is for me to not be allowed entry. None of that was being communicated at the surface, and none of that was being responded to. 

Sure, there is emunah in sitting back and trusting everything is from Hashem, and choosing to be ok with what Hashem sends your way. But there is a much deeper level, a higher form of relationship where I actively come into contact with my sense of lack, and I turn all of me to Hashem, and ask Him to fill that lack, and then trust that He will. That’s so scary! That’s so…vulnerable. It’s much easier to trust that whatever Hashem is sending me is for my best. It’s a lot scarier to say “Ummm Hashem. I really feel like there is something that is for my best, that I don’t have now, and it’s really hard for me, and I need you to give it to me.” 

What’s easier? To say “Hey, the money you provide for me is exactly what I’m meant to have, and I accept that this parnassa is from you?” or to say “Hashem, actually, I really feel like I don’t have enough parnassa for the life I want to lead right now. And this is all very uncomfortable for me. But I trust that you want to provide more for me. You are the Baal Shefa and you want to pour much more abundance to me. So I’m here asking you for it. What do I need to do in order to become the vessel that you are able to pour parnassa into?”

Simple, passive faith says, ‘Hashem does what He wants, and I need to accept His will.’ 

But we can unlock something more by saying, ‘Hashem is all good, and wants to bestow good, and His will is for me to connect and daven to Him for all the good that little old me thinks I need’. Tracht gut vzein gut, as the famous principal states, ‘Think good, and good things will happen’. 

But while I wait, it’s uncomfortable.
While I wait, it’s awkward. 

While I wait, I notice the areas of my life where there is lack, where I don’t feel like Hashem is showing up as my ‘all good, merciful Father’ and I get to choose again. 

Passive acceptance? Or stepping into relationship? 

I want a true relationship, and that requires true communication. If nothing changes for me today, and I don’t get what I want, I choose trust. I lean into bitachon, and can say ‘Ok, it must be that for today, it wasn’t meant for me. It’s for my best that it hasn’t happened yet, because you love me and only do good for me. But until you indicate to me otherwise, I’m still going to ask you for the things I need! Not because I deserve them; I don’t deserve the air in my lungs! But because you want to give good, and even though I don’t fully understand or deserve all the good you give, you designed my life in a way that tells me there is so much more I need! So I’m sharing with you what I feel like I need right now. And I’m turning to you, because you are the source of it all.’ That’s emotional intimacy with Hashem.  

I started to daven to Hashem to send me my basheret “because L’Kach Zeh Notzarti! I feel I was created for this! Hashem, I need this. I know it in my bones. So the fact that I don’t yet have it is painful for me. Something feels wrong. Please please please send him to me!”   

To trust that Hashem is doing everything for your good is holy and favorable. To trust that Hashem needs you to talk to him about all the good you want is so much harder. Because now I’m in touch with my lack. And now I am in touch with the source of my lack. And now I’m in touch with the very entity that can deny me, and I’ll still have to wait and want. And wait. And want. 

It can be uncomfortable to walk the tightrope of tefillah and Bitachon. But that’s exactly what we were created for. 

Initially, Hashem created all the plants, fruit and vegetation and kept it all under the surface of the earth. Nothing grew at all until Adam was created so that he would daven for rain. 

Imagine if Adam came to the world, saw no plant life, and said “Hashem, you’ve put me exactly where you want me to be. Everything is from you and it’s perfect the way it is.” Nothing would grow. No, the world isn’t perfect the way it is. Hashem created mankind to partner with Him in making the world a perfect place. Where we see lack, we need to do something about it. 

Adam needed to be ‘not okay’ with the lack of vegetation and needed to turn his eyes to the Source and plead for rain. And when he did, Gan Eden grew. 

We were created to be real partners with our Creator. To talk to Him and to acknowledge that everything comes from Him. That He has a plan for all of us, that it is a good plan, and that we are meant to be active partners in that plan. We can’t be active partners if we don’t show up, actively! With our personalities, our tastes, our sense of what is right and what is wrong. 

I once asked our Rosh Kollel in Israel, R’ Yitzchok Berkovits, “I want to enjoy all the good things Hashem is sending me. But I always have this little feeling like He might take it all away. Like maybe Hashem is giving me good now because He’s about to send a huge nisayon my way.” He laughed! And actually responded, “We’re all always waiting for the other shoe to drop.” He validated the feeling of nervousness that Hashem is going to send hard challenges, and brought up the bracha that Hashem commands the kohanim to give us.   

Do you know what the translation of Birchas Kohanim is? 

 “May Hashem bless you and watch over you. May Hashem shine His countenance upon you and treat you with graciousness. May Hashem turn his countenance toward you and grant you peace”. 

That’s how Hashem wants it to be! That’s how it’s supposed to be. He wants to show us bracha, and chein, and light and His face. We want to live in an existence where we feel Hashem is turning his ‘face’ towards us, and it is lighting up our world. 

I want to illustrate this with a pregnancy-related example. Whenever I am expecting, I am ecstatic (and exhausted) and grateful (and ill) and still grateful. And I also have a niggly concern “What if I miscarry?” That’s a very vulnerable sentence to write. That’s a very vulnerable feeling for a woman to have. It’s her worst case scenario, and it’s totally outside of her control. 

Standard faith told me to respond to the nerves with “Shana, every day of pregnancy is a gift. Everything Hashem does is for the best. If Hashem wants you to miscarry, then that’s also for your best. And you will get through it”. Sounds strong, no?

But wait a second, the way Hashem originally created the world and gave it to Adam and Chava was without illness or fatalities. 

Deeper emunah nudged me to the place of, ‘No Shana, Hashem doesn’t want you to miscarry. In a world where His Presence is fully manifested, women won’t miscarry. Hashem is good, kind, and merciful, and He doesn’t want you to miscarry. Trust Him. Let Him give you the good He wants to give you. Talk to Him, tell Him about your nerves. Trust Him. And acknowledge that He is your good, kind, and perfect creator who is fully rooting for you and wants you to have an abundance of bracha. Even without you deserving any of it. And also Partner with Him to help His Shechina be fully revealed in the world.”

Hashem’s ways are mysterious. When things happen to us that are genuinely painful, we have ways to deal with the nisyonos from our role models in the Torah and our mesorah. We lean on bitachon and trust that Hashem had to send that to us for reasons that we don’t understand. But that He is good, and only does things for our good. 

That applies to what was. The type of emunah being described here though, is a perspective towards the future. It shapes how we view what Hashem may send our way. We want to grow to have the emunah that Hashem is good and wants to give us good, and believe in that in our bones. It needs to permeate every cell. And it can unlock miraculous salvation, beyond what we deserve. 

One particularly low point in my shidduchim journey stands out to me as the game changing moment for me. I was driving home from an awful meeting with a shadchan, and I was miserable. The whole time I felt like I had to impress the shadchan, and she kept trying to find out what tax bracket my family was in. I did not feel like she treated singles with dignity. To be perfectly honest, when I was in the car on the way home, I just started crying from how poorly I felt treated. To make matters more cliche, it was pitch dark and pouring rain. I said to Hashem ‘This is what you want for Bnos Yisrael? This is the hishtadlus we have to do to find our zivugim? When we’re only doing it for you Hashem, to do avodas Hashem as Nshei Yisrael. This is dignity? That’s it. I’m done. I’m drawing a circle in the sand. I am not doing one more ounce of hishtadlus. I’m not willing to play this game anymore. I am staying in this circle until you send me my basheret. Because its going to come from You alone, and I believe you want this for me, even more than I want it for myself.” 

I kept driving, tears flowing freely, the windshield wipers working furiously. 

I promise you, within a few minutes, my mother called me. “I just want you to know there are two boys looking into you right now, one is from Brooklyn, the other from Toronto”. 

You can tell I was born with a lot of chutzpah, because after I hung up with my mother, I said to Hashem. “No thanks, I don’t want shidduchim. I want my shidduch. Just send me the one.” We ended up giving a yes to the Cohen boy from Toronto, and the rest is history. 

It’s one thing to hear birchas kohanim. It’s another to receive it. To truly believe it and receive it. To trust that Hashem actually wants to give it to you, and to become a kli for Hashem’s countenance to shine towards. To be filled with the shefa and bracha that the infinite one wants to distill. The Infinite One wants to bestow, and to delight in our chein-filled relationship with Hashem.

Hashem, you made me worthy of marrying a Kohen. Please make me worthy of receiving the full bracha of the Kohanim.  

There are 4 levels of Emunah

Most of us are familiar with the first three.

1 – There exists a Creator.

2 – The Creator sustains and takes care of creation with exact precision.

3 – There is only One Hashem, and only He can truly help a person.

4 – Hashem’s love for us is so great, and He will do good for us, even if we are not       worthy.

According to the Ohr Hachaim, when the Mitztriyim were pursuing the Yidden in the midbar, the prosecution in Shamayim was saying “They both worshipped idols, why should they not both drown in the yam suf?” Hashem told Moshe to tell Bnei Yisrael that He has a chamber in Shamayim of extraordinary rachamim gedolim. To open the chamber they need to demonstrate a steadfast, unwavering emunah that Hashem loves them so much He wouldn’t forsake them, even if they’re not worthy.

When we go through our own experiences of midbar, in shidduchim, in finances, in shalom bayis, or health, we can rise to the level of emunah that says ‘I believe with complete faith that Hashem is preparing my yeshua from His treasury of unconditional gifts, and I’m already thanking Him for it.’ This opens the gates for this higher, mysterious rachamim gedolim to bring down yeshuos for us.

Did you know…

that we Jews daven, and Hashem Himself also davens. His tefillah is that He should be able to operate with His children from a place of rachmanus beyond what they deserve! (Brachos 7).
Hashem has two modes of operating. There is hanhagas hamishpat, which means operating within the laws of nature He established, and evaluating our worthiness in the Beis Din Shel Maalah. But He can also interact with us through hanhagas hayichud, which is when His great rachamim can flow freely, unbound. This rachamim that Hashem wants to give to us, comes from a high, deep place called ‘Atika Stima’ and it’s a plentiful rachmanus that isn’t bound up by cause-and-effect and action-and-consequence.

How are we zoche to have Hashem operate with us from that place? The Ohr Hachaim instructs us to fully trust Hashem and interact with Him as though He is able to operate with us from His Otzar Matnas Chinam, from His place of free flowing love, yeshuos and gifts. Literally, by saying ‘I believe with full faith that you want to give to me from your Otzar Matnas Chinam even if we don’t deserve it.’ If we wholly truly believe it, we unlock it. Tracht gut, vet zein gut.

And if we don’t experience that, we work with what we have. We accept, we connect, and we align our ratzon with Hashem’s highest ratzon. And we ask for better.