The Chazon Ish once saw a father yelling at his son for talking during davening. After davening, the Chazon Ish approached the father quietly. “You taught your child two things today,” he said. “One: talking during davening is forbidden. But you also taught him that yelling when we’re angry is allowed. Which lesson do you think he’ll remember?”
Now, we can’t just walk away from this story, patting ourselves on the back, muttering, “Got it, no more yelling, simple enough.” That’s not the point, and it won’t work anyhow (unless you happen to not be human or are taking very strong sedatives). The real question is: what should we do instead? The answer: Clarity and Follow-Through.
The father in this story could have set his son up for success before they even walked into shul. “Remember, buddy, we’re quiet during davening. If you can do that, I’ll know you’re really growing up.” That’s clarity.
If it goes well? Praise like crazy. Empty the treat cabinet. Build another cabinet to hold more treats and then empty that one (not on Shabbos).
But if after a few gentle reminders, the talking continues, then comes the hard part. “I’m sorry, we’re going to have to leave shul now.” And then . . . you leave.” Is it inconvenient? Absolutely. Will you miss davening? Probably. Will your son throw a fit in the parking lot? Maybe. But here’s what he’ll learn: his actions matter.
Without follow-through, our kids learn that our words (and his actions) don’t really mean anything. Our lessons are background music. “I’m going to count to three… okay, five… alright, ONE more chance…” What we’re really teaching them is that consequences are negotiable. That “no” doesn’t actually mean “no.” But if they see that we take ourselves seriously and that we take them seriously, we’re setting them up for true success.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 69.
