Have you ever heard the idea that “The flaws you see in someone else are the areas you yourself need to work on?” Perhaps you’ve heard this as an idea in Chassidus, or perhaps even in human psychology. This idea sounds nice, but what does it even mean, and how does it actually work? For example, if I see my friend talking during davening, does that mean I also talk during davening? But what if I don’t? Also, who says that if I see my friend’s flaw, it’s a message to me that I have that flaw? Maybe I’m seeing it so I can fulfill my obligation of “hoche’ach toche’ach es amisecha, give rebuke to your fellow Jew!”
The Baal Shem Tov, in Sefer Keser Shem Tov, Siman 117, teaches us this idea in a short and somewhat cryptic way. Shlomo HaMelech writes in Shir HaShirim:
“אם לא תדעי לך היפה בנשים, צאי לך בעקבי הצאן“
—”If you do not know, O most beautiful among women, go follow the tracks of the sheep.”
This can be explained using the Mishnah in Pirkei Avos: “Who is the wise one? The one who learns from every person.” As an example, someone who looks in a mirror can see his flaws (in the reflection). So too, if someone sees flaws in his friend, it is as if he is holding up a mirror, and he is really looking at his own flaws.
In the sefer of his shiurim on Keser Shem Tov, Rav Naftali Erlinger sheds light on this. When the Mishnah in Avos tells us that the wise one learns from all people, it is not just teaching us that we should learn what to do by seeing what other people are doing right. We must also learn what we are doing wrong when we see someone else doing something wrong, so we can understand what areas of our own nature need some fixing. Just like there are physical flaws—such as a mark or even just dirt on your face—that you won’t notice unless you look in the mirror, there are spiritual flaws you may not notice in yourself unless you see them in another person.
This is the deeper message of “אם לא תדעי לך היפה בנשים, צאי לך בעקבי הצאן.” The “most beautiful of women” refers to the eved Hashem, the Yid who always wants to come closer to Hashem. “If you do not know” — if you aren’t sure what areas of your soul need improvement — “Go and follow the tracks of the sheep” — go look at the behaviors of a simple Jew. You will learn, by seeing the areas that other people are struggling in, what you yourself need to improve.
Rav Erlinger then addresses some questions that one may ask on this idea:
Q: Who said that another Yid’s shortcomings are a message to me? Those shortcomings would be there even if I wasn’t around to notice them!
A: If Hashem orchestrated that you had an interaction with another Yid where you noticed their shortcomings, then it’s because He wants you to learn something about yourself from it. Hashem could have easily arranged that you didn’t see the action at all—or that even if you saw it, you wouldn’t have perceived it as negative.
Q: But maybe the message isn’t that I need to improve in that area. Maybe it’s just that I have to do the mitzvah of “hoche’ach toche’ach es amisecha” and rebuke my fellow Jew?
A: The Baal Shem Tov is talking about a situation where you wouldn’t succeed in fulfilling the mitzvah of hoche’ach toche’ach.
Q: So how do I know whether I should try to rebuke my fellow Jew and help him grow, or whether this is one of those situations where I won’t be successful, and instead, I’m supposed to take the message for myself?
A: The key sign is to pause and analyze how you feel about this Yid who did the aveirah. Do you still see him as a precious and equally worthy Jew? Do you see him as a good Yid who just did a bad action, or has your view of him changed entirely, and his aveirah lowered his value in your eyes? Are you thinking things like, “This person isn’t OK,” “He’s bad,” or “He’s fundamentally flawed”?
If your feeling is the first kind, where you still view him as a precious soul who just made a mistake, then you can help him. In that case, Hashem orchestrated the interaction so that you could help him grow and come closer to Hashem. Only when you see your fellow Jew as pure and holy, and not broken or disqualified by his aveiros, can you truly fulfill the mitzvah of hoche’ach toche’ach.
This is a general principle in being mashpia on others: you can only positively influence someone whom you genuinely value as good, pure, and worthy. The soul of the person you are trying to help then picks up on the fact that you are focused on his greatness, and this strengthens him to overcome his challenges.
But if the Yid has lost his value in your eyes because of his aveirah, you are no longer in the position to help him. If you see a Yid doing an aveirah and you then view him as flawed, broken, or “less of a person” or “less of a Jew,” then the only message you should take from that interaction is that Hashem is showing you an area in yourself that needs work. As Chazal say:
“כל הפוסל במומו פוסל” – “One who disqualifies others, does so through the very blemish he himself possesses.”
[Ed. note: Think deeply about this, and you’ll see how true it is. Consider the people you know who are effective at bringing others closer to Hashem. You’ll see that it’s always those who genuinely love and value their fellow Jews—not those who see them as “resha’im,” “frei,” or a “lost cause.” You cannot be mekarev a Yid that you see as fundamentally flawed—just like you can’t educate a child you view as “a terrible kid,” “a lost cause” or “messed up.”]
Q: But what if I really don’t have the same flaw? Let’s say I don’t do the aveirah that I see the other Yid doing. For example: I’m very careful not to talk during davening, and I see someone else doing it. But instead of seeing him as a good Jew who slipped, I start to feel that he’s just not OK, that talking during davening makes him a really bad person. Based on what you said earlier, I can’t rebuke him. But what’s the message for me, if I don’t do that aveirah myself?
A: The message is that you should look inward to see if you are also struggling with the same root issue as he does, even if it is not expressed in the same exact way. In this case, you both may lack the proper respect and value for davening. You might not express this by talking during davening, but it’s a good idea to reflect on how you might be expressing it, and on ways in which you can improve on this core issue, on your own level.
Take it to go:
The Baal Shem Tov teaches us that if we see a spiritual flaw in our friend, and because of this we view him as fundamentally broken and bad, then the avodah is not to take that as a sign to give him mussar, but rather to recognize that this was orchestrated by Hashem to allow us to see a flaw in ourselves that we may not have otherwise seen.
If we can be mindful of this, it can unlock a whole new level of avodas Hashem, as we will start to notice areas that need work which we may have otherwise been blind to due to our own biases.
A second tremendous benefit is that we will greatly improve the way we perceive our friend who does an aveirah—either we will merit to understand that he is intrinsically valuable and only his action is imperfect, or we will feel that he is bad but immediately realize that this is a message to us, and look inward.
Either way, we will stop focusing on other Yidden’s bad actions, or disqualifying him in our eyes, because of a mistake he may have made.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 40.