I tend to lose my temper all too often, especially when dealing with my kids or spouse. Can the Rebbe give me some advice on how to improve in this area?
There are three main reasons why it feels harder to control our anger specifically with our close family members:
1) We spend the most amount of time with them, and deal with them in many different settings, as opposed to others that we may only deal with only in a formal setting, or a work setting, etc.
2) We feel a sense of achrayus (responsibility) toward them, since they are under our care. Since we are responsible for our family members, we take it more personally when they don’t follow our guidance or don’t listen to us.
3) Our yetzer hara convinces us that since we are responsible for them, getting angry at them is part of the mitzvah of chinuch to help them go in the right direction.
Certainly, when you are in the heat of the moment, there are tactics you can use to help calm yourself down, such as stepping out of the room to give yourself the space to calm down, or distracting yourself with something else, and so on. But those are only surface-level (chitzoniyus) ways of dealing with anger.
To truly uproot anger from its source, you’ll need to give up the feeling of control that we tend to have. If we feel that we are in control, we get very bothered when our loved ones do not listen to us.
When you feel yourself getting angry, the goal is not to regain control of the situation, but rather to give up control, and give the control back to Hashem. Go into ‘emunah mode’, and remind yourself that truthfully, you are not in control of anything or anybody, and it is Hashem and only Hashem that runs every single element of the world, ein od milvado!
It is worthwhile to prepare a quote or a passuk that can remind you of this in advance, so that you can pull it out and use it to help you in a heated moment. Examples of this are “ein od milvado”, “Hu l’vado osah, oiseh, v’yaaseh l’chol ha’maasim,” (He alone made, makes, and will make everything) {from the first of the 13 Ani Maamins}, and the like. As soon as you feel anger building, give the ‘wheel’ back to Hashem, and repeat your quote over and over again, as you acknowledge that it is only Hashem in control. With time and practice, this will get easier and easier.
Sometimes it’s hard to think or speak these ideas when emotions are strong. In those moments, turn your quote into a tefillah: “Abba, help me remember that it is You and only You that controls everything, and that I am not in control. Abba, help me stay calm, cool, and collected.”
Your anger does not represent your core essence. The Gemarah refers to anger as an “eil zar,” a “foreign strength” — it is a yetzer hara that is trying to hijack you and take you over. Because it is only an outside element that is trying to come in, you will see that it is not difficult to let it go and kick it out of you (in the manner we’ve described), and just like that it will be gone.
This applies to any situation of anger, but the challenge is more difficult with one’s own family, because of the three reasons we listed at the beginning. Here’s a way you can reframe those particular mindsets:
1: The fact that we spend so much time with them >> The fact that Hashem orchestrated that these are the people you are with so often (this is your spouse, and these are your children) just means that your tikkun hanefesh lies in the way you interact with them. Every time you respond with patience, you’re fulfilling that tikkun.
2-3: The feeling that you have an achrayus (responsibility) for them and need to be mechanech them properly >> the fact that it is your responsibility to educate and guide your family is only true until the moment you get angry. The moment that anger starts to build up inside of you, you are exempt from your responsibility to be mechanech your family. When you are angry, you have only one tafkid (mission), and that is to go into “emunah mode,” to bring Hashem into the picture and to hand control back to Hashem.
If you can try this, you will see for yourself, with Hashem’s help, how you can calm down from a heated situation in as little as thirty seconds.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 59.