Dependent by Design

I was standing in the kitchen of my little apartment when I saw the email. It came from our class’ email group.

“Chana, a young mother of two little girls, is going through a serious medical crisis.”

It went on to describe her situation and details of her well-being, as well as a request to pray for her and a link to a Tehillim spreadsheet. Of course, I was devastated to hear the news, and a whirlwind of thoughts, worries and emotions raced through my head. Then I read further to the last paragraph of the email.

“Chana is very open to talking and appreciates the support of friends. Please feel free to reach out to her directly.” Her phone number and email were listed below.

Now, I don’t know how you’d have felt, but I was hit with a wave of panic. Thoughts like, “Me? Reach out to her? What will I say?” or “What?!? She’s open to talking about it? But how?”

But as I sat with these questions (by this time, yes, supper was going to be late), I was overwhelmed by a feeling of admiration for Chana. It takes such strength, confidence and humility to ask for support. To say “I need my friends” during a dark time. And with that, I sat down to write an email to her.

I hope she forgives me for sharing it, may it be a zechus for her.

“Dear Chana,

I cannot describe what chizzuk I felt from you sharing with us.

Thank you for trusting in us. Thank you for being comfortable to say that we need each other. Such a simple thing and yet so difficult for most people to say. I will be thinking of you and davening for you.”

And then I added,

“This is crazy, but can I ask you to daven for me and my husband as well?”

As unconventional as this sounded, it felt so right. Of course she is the one in the tough spot now, but we need each other! This is how it’s supposed to be!

This whole experience got me really thinking about Ahavas Yisroel. I know it’s a tremendous mitzvah that we make suppers for each other a few times a year, and there are no words to describe the nachas ruach that Hashem has from the myriad number of organizations and all the chessed that is performed by our communities.

But since that day, I realized there is something we can do to bring even more love among our fellow Jews. Being vulnerable, asking for help, and depending on one another. That can be the most beautiful display of love and connection. We feel so needed and fulfilled when we can help others; imagine how they will feel when it’s reciprocated. We tend to think that the fulfillment of Ahavas Yisroel is giving to our fellow Jew when in reality that’s only half of it! In order to connect deeply with one another, we must request and receive graciously as well.

This concept applies to our marriages as well. They say that men don’t get hints. I am sure that this might get some ladies rolling their eyes and/or feeling very validated. Either way, G-d, in His infinite wisdom, did not design this by accident. Undoubtedly, He wants us to articulate our needs directly. This is how we can foster and strengthen our relationships!

There is a parable that is told which really drives home this point.

Two groups of people sit at a table, each with long spoons that make it impossible to feed themselves. On one table, they remain hungry, each struggling alone. But on the other table, they are full of joy — because

each person uses their spoon to feed the person across from them.

How powerful it is when we can fully depend on one another.

And of course, our brilliant sages instituted prayer. We are commanded to cry out to Hashem in times of pain and ask for salvation. Asking Hashem for our everyday needs, big and small, is the key to becoming closer to Him. He knows our innermost thoughts and doubts, but it is by expressing our wants and needs that we display the ultimate love and dependence on Him.

The Zohar teaches that the walls of the Sukkah represent Hashem’s embrace. As we sit in our sukkos this year, a dwelling that is a manifestation of love from G-d, let us try to humble ourselves to ask from others and not be afraid to admit how much we really need each other.