It’s several months until Yom Kippur, so I figured we should start talking about teshuva.
Have you ever met someone who doesn’t know how to apologize?
It’s an odd phenomenon. Someone might be learned, a big tzadik, smart, and generally smiley. But when they lose their temper at you, they either make believe it didn’t happen, go into hiding, or say something like this:
“I wasn’t thinking, and really it must have been that flu I was getting over, and really, I’m sorry you felt the way you did—I mean, it was kinda your fault—but anyway, if there was maybe any chance I had anything to do with it, I’m sorta kinda regretful that that happened.” Tastes like stale popcorn, right?
I believe the explanation is that the art of apologizing has to be learned and practiced. It doesn’t come naturally to everyone.
A good apology has four parts:
- I care about our relationship
- I’m sorry for what I did
- I don’t know why I did it (no excuses, explanations, or reasons)
- Please forgive me
And “kol hamosif gorea”— anything additional will only ruin it.
This affects parenting in two ways. First, our kids might make mistakes in life also, believe it or not. I know — it’s a scary thought. They’re going to have to know how to repair relationships, rather than run away.
If we can manage to show them, or even teach them directly, how to apologize, we’ll be doing them a big chesed. And secondly, a home where grudges are being held is no fun place to be. If we’re putting off repairing a relationship properly, that’s going to come out in some way, towards someone. If we can do something to bury the hatchet, we must. Our kids need to know that broken things can always be fixed.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 66.
