Q
My youngest son is very energetic, and I rarely see him focused and engaged in spiritual things. But when I brought him to the Rebbe, he was able to be extremely well behaved and was able to sit patiently, fully engaged and asking questions etc. How do I bring out more of that side of him?
A. If he is very young, such behavior is not something to be worried about at this point. But to answer your question in a general way: Believe in him! The number one thing a parent can do to help bring out the full holy potential of their child is to fully and authentically believe in the child!
- Believe that Hashem created your child with a special mission in this world that nobody else can do.
- Believe that Hashem gave your child all the tools he will need to succeed in his mission.
- Believe that your child most definitely will succeed in his mission!
This belief happens internally, in your heart. Spend time thinking these thoughts. The second thing you can do is to express these beliefs to the child himself. But this is only a helpful second step if you truly believe in him in your own heart.
Q
Should I avoid calling my young son a tzadik or my daughter a tzadeikis out of a concern that if I tell them they are a tzadik they will feel they are “good” and then will become lax and do aveiros, with the mindset of “my parent says I am a tzadik anyway so I’ll be a tzadik even if I do bad things?”
A. Definitely not! A tzadik does mitzvos, not aveiros. So if you tell him he is a tzadik, and he feels like a tzadik, it will bring him to do what a tzadik does — which is mitzvos, not aveiros. But if you tell him he is a rasha, or a bad person, then that will lead him to do what a rasha does, which is aveiros.
Parents who are overly harsh and critical, constantly pressuring and discipling their children, are doing a terrible disservice to them. They might think they are being mechanech them, but being mechanech means to build them up, not to tear them down.
However, if your child does an aveirah, that is not the time to tell them they are a big tzadik. A child must know that there are consequences for our actions, and that whether we do a mitzvah or an aveirah makes a big difference.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 70.