Elul, more than any other of the Jewish months, inspires the usage of acronyms to fit with the letters that make up its name. Alef, Lamed, Vav, Lamed. The most famous one, we’re all familiar with: Ani L’Dodi V’Dodi Li. I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me. Elul is the month of mutual longing. Us to Him, Him to us.
But for some of us, even the acronym starts to induce a little panic. The Day of Judgement is around the corner, and we may not be sure how to deal with that.
The fear is understandable. But Elul is offering something deeper. A gift, if we’re willing to receive it. These acronyms aren’t cute ways of remembering the month’s name. They’re tools to help us understand the pnimiyus of the month.
The sefarim hakedoshim point to another acronym that resonates deeply for me. It’s found in the first letters from the words of the pasuk: Ina L’yado V’samti L’cha (Shemos 21:13). “Hashem caused it to happen, and will provide you a place to run to.”
This verse describes the case of someone who accidentally killed another person. In response to this, the Torah establishes six Arei Miklat. Cities of refuge where the accidental killer could run and be safe from the go’el ha-dam, the avenger of blood.
None of these acronyms are incidental. This one is no different: Elul is our own ir miklat in time.
A refugee flees from something and runs toward something. They flee from danger and seek refuge in whatever offers solace. So what are we running from, exactly? We seek refuge from the fear that we will come up short, frustrated in our attempts to achieve our goals, to overcome weaknesses. We seek reassurance that our struggles are not in vain, that all is not lost.
But here’s the problem. Most of the places we run to don’t actually shelter us.
Do any of these ring a bell? Checking our phone incessantly. Making to-do lists and feeling unfulfilled when we don’t cross things off. Staying busy just to stay busy. Spending hours down a virtual rabbit hole. Wishing things were different than they actually are. “That Slight,” perceived or real, which we keep replaying, and the ways we can have the last word.
These are the false refuges. They give temporary comfort but don’t help us feel truly protected.
So where can we find true refuge? The first thing that comes to mind when a person thinks about teshuva is to return to Hashem. But Rav Kook, in his Oros HaTeshuva, explains that returning to Hashem is in fact the second stage of teshuva. You read that correctly. In truth, teshuva begins with the return to our truest selves. Without this fundamental step, teshuva has not truly transpired.
And what does the return to self actually look like?
Evrach mimcha eilecha. I run away from You, to You. This is how Rav Yehuda HaLevi deftly encapsulates the whole avodah of Elul in one line.
The You we run from is the false You we’ve been carrying all year. Like the tzadik who told the atheist, “the G-d you don’t believe in, I don’t believe in either.” We run away from our false version of Hashem that leads us away from the real Hashem. We run away from our false perception of ourselves that leads away from our truest self.
We run from the You that says we could have done better, so we’ll never be enough. The You that says we fell one too many times, and those mistakes can’t be undone.
The You we run to is the real one. We run to take refuge in the true Hashem, our endlessly compassionate father and King who draws us close because He wants us close. We run to our chelek Elokah mima’al mamesh. Our truest self. This is the true ir miklat. Not out there. In here. Elul is the re-turn. Not the running out from your life. The running in. A return to essence.
As we approach Rosh Hashana, the Torah reminds us: u’vacharta ba’chaim. Choose life. Is that really a choice? Who would willingly choose death?
We do. Every day. In so many ways, we choose lives disconnected from the essence of life. We drift. We distract ourselves. We remain absent from the fullness of our own existence.
Elul is our reminder in time. To return again. To go home. This is your ir miklat. Evrach mimcha eilecha.
Based on the teachings of Rav Kook (Orot HaTeshuva), Rav Yehuda HaLevi, and Rav Moshe Weinberger shlita. Adapted in part from Ayeka: The Six Questions of a Lifetime (forthcoming).
Rabbi Dr. Benjy Epstein is a clinical psychologist and rabbi based in Yerushalayim. He is the author of Living in the Presence and the forthcoming Ayeka: The Six Questions of a Lifetime. Subscribe to his podcast The Goal Is Soul wherever you listen.
Take It To Go
As we enter the refuge of Elul, can you bring to mind a false version of Hashem, or of yourself, that you might be holding onto? What would it mean for you to “Run away from Hashem, to Hashem?”
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 94.
