An eye-opening conversation with the esteemed author of the B’yam Darkecha seforim, about how to have (and plan in advance for) a Purim of holiness, inner joy, and closeness to Hashem, despite the many distractions and fast pace of the day.
His approach is deeply rooted in the teachings of the Tzadikim, yet always practical, accessible, and grounded in real-life avodah. We are grateful to him for giving us this time.
Q
Purim seems to pass by so quickly. How can I make sure my Purim is holy and meaningful and doesn’t just slip through my fingers?
A. Every Yom Tov needs preparation, and particularly Purim, because the inner avodah of Purim is more hidden than in other Yomim Tovim. Another reason why preparation is even more crucial for Purim is because by other Yomim Tovim, if one doesn’t connect well, he often has a feeling of emptiness, which can push him to try to find more inner connection. But Purim is such a quick and busy day that one can go through the entire day focused only on the external actions without delving beneath the surface at all, and before he knows it, the day is over.
So how do we prepare ourselves? Here are three ways. The first and second are forms of preparation that I would suggest doing before any spiritual experience. The third one is unique to Purim.
- Tefillah Before Purim comes around, beg and beseech Hashem: “Please Hashem, help me connect to the pnimiyus of Purim, and not to only be busy with the exterior parts of the day. Help me believe in the extraordinary ohr that Purim is, and help me believe that I definitely, without a doubt, will acquire this amazing light!”
Just as no chosson comes to his chuppah without davening prior to it, so too, no Yid should come to Purim without properly begging Hashem to help him connect properly beforehand!
- Torah It is much easier for our hearts to connect to something we understand in our intellect. This is why it is very important to learn about Purim. Learn gemara Megillah, the Megillah itself, Hilchos Purim, or whatever Purim-related Torah you enjoy. If you can, try learning about the pnimiyus of Purim. Pick a sefer that talks to your neshama and learn it! If you come across an idea that really talks to your neshama. Write it down and put it in your siddur/Megillah that you will use on Purim, so you will be reminded of it.
- Plan your day
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- Plan which shul you will go to, choosing a shul that has a Megillah reading where you can focus on the great light of the Megillah. If you can’t find such people, eat with your family even without guests, so you can focus on connecting to Hashem.
- Plan a time for learning. Everyone, in accordance with their ability, should make a strong learning seder on this holy day. You can learn things connected to the holiness of the day or whatever you enjoy learning.
- Prepare your mishloach manos before Purim, so you don’t have to use the precious hours of Purim on technicalities and things that could have been done beforehand.
- Plan with whom you will be eating the seudah. Find yourself people who will make it more meaningful for you. If you can’t find such people, just prefer to eat alone with your family, and connect to Hashem on your own.
- Plan a time to talk to Hashem. Purim is a great eis ratzon. Beg Hashem for whatever you need, but the main focus should be kirvas Eloikim (closeness to Hashem). Beg Hashem with an inner passion, Keili, Keili lama azavtanu (Hashem, Hashem, why have You forsaken me (Tehillin 22). If you are already a little drunk, the tefillos go even better!
Q
It’s clear that the Rebbe encourages planning and utilizing every moment of Purim to the fullest. But that’s not always what it seems everyone else is doing…
A. It’s clear that it is important to plan and utilize every moment to the fullest on Purim.If you were invited one day by the king to go into the royal treasury and take whatever you want for five minutes, and as you are going in, you meet an old friend who wants to talk to you, you will have to tell him that you are busy now. Your friend should understand, and he shouldn’t get offended. So too, on this day, we are all invited into Hashem’s inner chambers; let’s utilize it as best as we can!
On Purim people get drunk, and behave in all kinds of ways, so being firm in planning Purim the way you need to for your avodas Hashem shouldn’t stand out the way it might at other times. People do unusual things on Purim. Your unusual thing can be that you are very, very careful about what you spend your time doing!
I want to emphasize that you may do all the above and still feel nothing. We are never in charge of the outcome. We have to do the hachana, to create keilim for a Purim full of ohr, but Hashem is in charge of the outcome!
Q
Who should I give mishloach manos to?
A. Take time to think this through: who will really appreciate my thinking of him? Who will it be really meaningful to if I deliver to him?
This is the main point of the day, and of mishloach manos. It is not worth it to waste this holy day on going through the motions of bringing mishloach manos to everyone you know just because that’s what everyone does.
In fact, after I got married, I made up with my brother that we will not bring each other mishloach manos. We love each other anyway, and just being official and bringing it to your brother because that’s what you’re supposed to do, really takes up precious time.
It goes without saying that if, for whatever reason, you must make many rounds of deliveries, then obviously this is your avodah and you should embrace it. Think to yourself how Hashem is giving you the opportunity to do his ratzon, even when it isn’t full of ohr for you!
Q
How do I balance my personal avodah versus my young kids? Should I be busy connecting to Hashem and not focus on my kids during the meal?
A. Kids follow what their parents do. You do your thing, and your kids will enjoy it. You fill yourself up with immense simcha, and let your kids join you. Don’t build the Purim around your kids. Let them build themselves around your Purim! Be open to whatever your situation is. If your kids are on board with you, dance with them, etc. If they are not getting involved in your simcha, then do your thing to be happy, and don’t be bothered or upset by them. Purim is not a day you should go down to your kids. Rather let them come up to you! Give them what they need, geshmake nosh, make them happy. They will then usually join your simcha pnimiyus!
If you have to do technical things like taking care of kids, changing diapers, etc., then be happy with that too. Believe that this is your avodah and Hashem is right here with you!!
Make sure to leave some personal time for yourself: you and Hashem. If your family situation doesn’t allow this, get up early and take time for yourself before davening.
Q
What do I do if I really want to connect to the inner holiness of Purim, but for whatever reason, I find myself at a seudah where the crowd is not like-minded?
A. Obviously, if there are halachic issues like tzniyus, etc., just leave. But if you just don’t feel connected enough, you have to know that on Purim, there is usually a nice dose of katnus (spiritual disconnect)!
This is no coincidence or mistake, this is part of the way the ohr manifests itself! Don’t get upset or frustrated about this. On the contrary, let the katnus bring you to look only for Hashem. Think about how Hashem is definitely with you right here. Talk to Him and sing to Him! Even if it looks weird in the setting you are in — who cares! — on Purim we can look odd!
Purim is a day when our neshama gets turned on. Sing your heart out to Hashem, cry to him, and cling to him with a great simcha! Think to yourself how lucky you are, you have a backbone which you can rely on for everything! He takes care of everything in the best way! The world outside of us might be a sad and hopeless place, but we are Yidden, and a Yid always has hope! How lucky we are! Ashreinu mah tov chelkeinu!!
Try to dig deeper into yourself, find the ohr of your neshama in its unconditional connection to Hashem, even when you don’t feel it (dveikus etzem).
As a side comment, it should be clear that the ohr of Purim shines for two days! Shushan Purim has the light of Purim too! Because it isn’t the busy day that Purim is, some may even find it easier to connect to its ohr.
Take time for yourself on Shushan Purim. Talk to Hashem. One may enjoy saying the whole Tehillim. Connect to the ohr. You should definitely make a seudah as is already recorded in Shulchan Aruch! [The same goes for someone living in Yerushalayim on the first day of Purim!]
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Nekuda Tova Listing.