In Hebrew, there’s a saying: “Ein yeled ra; rak yeled she’ra lo.” Loosely translated: There’s no such thing as a “bad kid.” Just a kid “she’ra lo” – a kid who’s experiencing something “ra,” something difficult or bothersome.
Maybe it sounds like a chiddush. But it really could be, right?
If our kids are yelling, or hitting, or further breaking already broken items, maybe it’s because they’re really bothered by something and don’t know how to talk about it.
Think about the average day of a child or teenager. It’s full of things that could trigger a reaction. A comment from a friend that landed wrong. A teacher who called on them when they didn’t know the answer. Someone who laughed at them. Someone who didn’t laugh at their joke. A test they bombed. A game they lost. Being picked last. Not being picked at all.
Now raise your hand if you ever had an experience like this (even as an adult) and weren’t entirely yourself that day. Maybe you weren’t even 50% yourself. Or 10%. Or didn’t leave your house for a while. Okay, you can lower your hands. (I will also.)
When something’s bothering us, we’re off. We’re short-tempered, withdrawn, reactive. We snap at people who don’t deserve it. We shut down. We act out. Couldn’t it be that our kids are doing the same? And if we want to get them to tell us what it is, well, maybe we should ask them.
But we have to really ask. Without an agenda. Without jumping straight to fixing the problem. Without lectures or advice or “you should have just…”
If we listen, they might open up. They might learn how to express that feeling. More often than we think, they’re just waiting to see if we really want to know – or if we just want them to stop being difficult.
And when they realize we actually care about what’s going on inside, and that we’re not just trying to correct the behavior — when they see that we believe in the idea of “no such thing as a bad kid” — they may decide to share with us. That’ll probably make it all worthwhile.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 74.
