Terumas Hadeshen
Every morning in the Beis Hamikdash, they would draw lotteries to see who would merit to be able to do various avodos of the day. The first lottery drawn every day was for the chance to do the avodah of Terumas Hadeshen, cleaning out the ashes that were on the mizbe’ach from the burnt offerings of the day before. While introducing this avodah, the Torah tells us “אש המזבח תוקד בו”, “the fire of the Alter shall remain aflame on it.” The Chasam Sofer explains that “on it” refers to the kohen, not the mizbe’ach! The Kohen who performs the Terumas Hadeshen as instructed in the Torah receives the gift of a heavenly fire that burns within him that cannot be extinguished. What’s the pnimius of this mitzvah? What was so special about the simple act of clearing the leftover ashes off of the mizbe’ach that brought such an incredible heavenly fire into the neshamah of the Kohen who performed it? How can we tap into this extraordinary power when we recite the parashah of Terumas Hadeshen in the morning?
The tzaddikim teach us that this avodah represents the spiritual “garbage” that we need to remove from ourselves before we daven. As we mentioned in last week’s article: “Rav Yochanan said: One who wants to accept upon himself the complete yoke of Heaven should relieve himself in the bathroom, wash his hands, put on teffilin, say Shema, and then daven.” The avodah of Terumas Hadeshen is the spiritual action that corresponds to the physical action of going to the bathroom in the morning. Just as one should relieve himself in the morning of the waste that is within his body before standing before Hashem in prayer, one must also relieve himself of his spiritual waste!
The way to rid ourselves of our spiritual waste is to cleanse ourselves from any aveiros we’ve done through teshuvah. However, after doing teshuvah, we must immediately forget that we ever sinned in our life, so that we can begin to talk to Hashem in davening without being dragged down by feelings of sadness or heaviness because of our sins. This is a crucial component of the pnimius of the avodah of Terumas Hadeshen. We need to clean out the spiritual garbage that our yetzer hara gives us, as he tries to prevent us from davening with joy, by feeding us thoughts of guilt and sadness because of the sins we’ve done.
But wait – don’t we need to feel authentic regret and bitterness over our sins as part of doing teshuvah? Sure. But not during davening! As is it said in the name of the Chozeh of Lublin: “During davening one should be in a state of pure joy, of great passion with love and awe for Hashem. Do not allow any thoughts in your mind of sins that you’ve done, because such thoughts are the counsel of the yetzer hara. Any sadness that you experience as a result of doing an aveirah is far more special and cherished by the yetzer hara than even the sin itself, and in fact this sadness was the primary goal of the yetzer hara in getting you to do the aveirah.”
How do I know if these feelings of being weighed down by my aveiros are a distraction of the yetzer hara, or the pull of my yetzer tov to encourage me to do some real teshuvah? If these feelings mysteriously show up when you’re trying to daven, learn, or do any other mitzvah, they are a gift from your yetzer hara. It is said that before dancing Hakafos on Simchas Torah, the Rebbe Rav Tzvi Hirsh of Zidichov would forgive himself for all his sins so that he could serve Hashem through dancing with pure joy without being weighed down by any perceived sins.
Don’t let the yetzer hara steal your mitzvos! Preempt him by dedicating a specific time for contemplation and self-reflection, where you can contemplate any negative actions and bring yourself to do a heartfelt teshuvah for them. But when you are doing a mitzvah, be like the great Zidichover: forgive yourself and forget about any aveiros. You’ll deal with them another time.
We’ll end with the words of the Tanya (Ch. 26). “One must find strategies to rid himself from sadness. Certainly, when one is serving Hashem he must serve Him with joy and gladness of heart, but even when one is engaging in business or other worldly matters, if a person suddenly feels sadness about his sins, it is known that this is the scheme of the yetzer hara to make someone feel sadness and thereby ultimately fall into sins and temptations.”
Moment of Mindfulness:
Before or while you read the parashah of Terumas Hadeshen, visualize yourself cleaning out your spiritual waste, by having thoughts of teshuvah. Then banish any thoughts of sin from your mind, and dispose of the garbage that the yetzer hara gives you when he tries to convince you that since you sinned you are unworthy or unfit to daven to Hashem.
This article was found in Nekuda Tova Issue 14.