Q&A with the Beyam Darkecha

I feel a lot of pressure and tension during Elul,
and sometimes I just wish it was Sukkos already… How can I change my perspective about Elul and Yomin Noraim?

There are three reasons we tend to feel tension when Elul comes around. 1) Because we have a feeling of despair from previous years regarding our chances of actually meeting our goal(s). 2) We tend to think that teshuvah means dealing with and perfecting one’s deeds. 3) Whenever thinking about Rosh Hashana, we get this feeling of insecurity like someone is telling you, “Lets check if it is worth keeping you in the game,” and this feeling is very uncomfortable to most people.

The truth is that the pnimius’dik way of looking at teshuvah is very different! Teshuvah has nothing whatsoever to do with perfecting one’s deeds! Teshuvah means coming back to Hashem, תשוב-ה tashuv hei, come back to Hashem! Each and every neshamah is a cheilek Elokai mima’al, sent on a special mission to this world to light this world up with Hashem’s presence, but on the way we sometimes forget who we really are and lose direction. This is why Hashem, with His great kindness, gave us these heiligeh days, that we can plug ourselves back in and remember the real direction! We can come back into Hashem’s outstretched arms, and remember how much he really loves us all!!

Say to Hashem, “I made mistakes during the year. I didn’t remember Your utmost love for me. Now I want to come back to You and be close to You!” This type of teshuvah brings an immense simchah! There is no room for failure in such an avodah, because even the most minor razton (desire) to come close to Hashem, actually brings you closer to Hashem!

Now obviously if one wants to stay feeling close to Hashem, he has to try not to do things that Hashem doesn’t like, so one should at some level perfect his deeds, but this is not the core essence of teshuvah, this is just its natural outcome (poel yotzeh).

The seforim teach us that when one perfects himself in one area, this is already considered teshuvah. The reason is not because of perfecting our actions, but rather because improving in one area, shows Hashem that you are earnest in your wanting to come close to him. 

The third issue we brought up, about feeling insecure because of Rosh Hashana: this perception is not correct. The din on Rosh Hashana is not if we will or won’t be in the game next year, it is how much we will be zoche to feel our closeness to Hashem in the coming year — how much Hashem will open our hearts!!

This is the deeper meaning of the books that are opened on Rosh Hashana: the tzadikim are zoche to always live with Hashem, that is the deeper meaning of being written in the book of life, sifrei chaim; the reshaim get death — which means a feeling of disconnect from Hashem!

We should just be getting a feeling of more secureness, because we are coming close to Hashem, so obviously we will merit a year of feeling close to Him. This should fill us up with an unbelievable feeling of security!